confessions.

I don’t ever want this blog to just be a shell of who I really am. It’s easy to put my best foot forward and have this be just an extension of my Facebook page, one more way to tell everyone how great my life really is.

I don’t want to do that here, and I don’t think that will ever serve me well if I want to be a writer.

I need to learn how to be honest, with myself, with my readers, with everyone around me.

I think I have spent most of my life thinking that I have to impress people to make them like me. What I am beginning to realize is that people don’t want to be impressed. In fact, if we try to act too perfect around people, they probably won’t like us, because really, who likes a perfect person? People like an honest person, and someone who has just as many flaws as they know they have.

So I’m working on my honesty. And here are some confessions.

I hit my snooze button four times this morning. This is not uncommon for me.

10:30 pm is late for me to be out of bed still. 6:30 am is early.

I still sleep sometimes with my blanket from when I was little, because it’s really soft and warm.

I have never done my own taxes. And I never want to.

When I don’t want to do something, it’s really hard to make me do it.

I only shower every other day, unless something crazy happens.

Since I got married, I have probably looked back at my wedding pictures 2-3 times a week. I’m not sure when this will slow down.

I care a lot what people think of me. Particularly how I look. Now that I’m married, I think I care more what girls think I look like than boys.

I’m too old to be calling females girls and males boys, but “woman” and “man” feel so old to me.

I’m unbelievably, inconsolably, irreparably impatient.

Sometimes I say things just to try to make people laugh, because I feel like it will make them like me.

Most of the time when I write something, I hope it will make someone like me.

I’m almost always wondering if someone likes me. I wish I could say I didn’t care, but I do. I really do.

Sometimes I get on Facebook just to compare my life to other people’s lives. And even if I didn’t get on there for that express purpose, it usually comes around to that.

When someone else is successful at something, 9 times out of 10 I am more jealous than happy for them.

I think my way is better.

I struggle with anxiety. And maybe a little bit of OCD. Not the funny kind.

I play with my hair all. the. time. I’m seriously considering going to therapy for it. I think I’ve given myself arthritis. You probably think I’m kidding.

There are a lot of things that I didn’t write here, because I’m scared to.

Well, that’s all for now. Hopefully that gives you a little better idea of who I am when no one is looking.

What are your confessions?

-me

14 thoughts on “confessions.

  1. I think you are beautiful and funny and very brave to share the feelings that all of us have, even your favorite mother. You are fearfully and wonderfully made by God, who knows He made you just the way He wanted you to be.

  2. Great post Wesley, really. I think we all have things, from little to big, that we don’t want to share for one reason or another, and I think a lot of those reasons relate to your “I really want people to like me” confession. I do too. I’m obsessive about being polite, about what kind of impression I’m making, about whether people like me or not, about whether they think I’m pretty or smart or cool. While there’s a time and a place (I mean, manners and courtesy are all ABOUT thinking about what other people are thinking, and I love me some good manners), it’s also good to challenge ourselves not to worry about what other people think. It’s scary and feels “wrong”, and then eventually one day it feels good. Hang in there, ladyfriend.

  3. Tim and I were just talking tonight about how valuable it is to be able to confess our sins to one another — not just in terms of community but also in terms of fighting our own pride. I read your post and nodded my head because I relate so much, especially to wanting people to like me and being controlled by fear of man. I also thought, I should more often talk about this out loud to other people. I need to.

    Also PS I agree with what your mom wrote: you’re brave to write it on the blog.

    • Thanks for the encouragement, Shanna. It’s so hard to swallow our pride and admit faults, and of course it’s hardest to do with our spouses! It’s so valuable in community though, and good for our hearts, I think.

  4. I share a lot of these confessions with you, though for me the going to bed and getting up is the opposite – getting to bed before midnight is early for me, and 9am is early. I too hit my alarm clock an alarming (haha) amount of times.

  5. I noticed that thing about your hair when you were here. I just assumed that you didn’t realize that you were doing it. As someone who only worked with you briefly, I can attest to the fact that you won us all over with your intellect, wit, and great personal style; and that it looked effortless on your part. It never looked like you cared or were even trying, and I envied that about you. I was surprised to read several of these, because I can relate so well. The wanting to be liked, to be good looking, the jealousy, and think that I now like you even more than I did before for, having read these inner thoughts.
    As far as confessionals, I think that I am too scared to write anything meaningful here, but you’ve definitely got me thinking.

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